Ian Midgley: The answer to horse meat crisis? Prepare your own meals
Have we all finished screaming ourselves hoarse yet – or are we still chomping at the bit to blame someone for the supermarket meat nightmare?
Or is it a night-stallion? I'm not sure anymore. No one is.
The only thing we know for certain is the odds that any of the ingredients in a Tesco bolog-neighs ever said "moo" is slightly less than an Aberdeen Angus winning the Grand National.
And that's not bullocks either.
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I'll admit, as someone who spent most of his teenage and student years chomping his way through entire aisles of Findus Crispy Pancakes, I'm feeling a little queasy at the thought that I was probably digesting Desert Orchid rather than Daisy.
It said beef on the packet. But who knows? It could have been warthog or salamander for all I know.
And the revelation that some supermarket ready meals mainly consisted of knackered old Romanian nags – sold to the local rendering plant by impoverished peasants – has hardly done anything to my inflame my appetite.
But the idea that fat little British kids are having some sad-eyed old mare funnelled down their throats by parents daft enough to think supermarket ready meals are part of a healthy diet fills me more with a sense of sorrow than anything else.
Sorrow for the kid who probably has no idea what a carrot looks like and probably can't count to five a day anyway.
And sorrow because the poor old filly who should be putting her hooves up with a cigar after a long career dragging some ramshackle cart around Bucharest, is now suffering the indignity of being turn into beef burgers.
However, as much as I've tried, I can't get angry about the horse meat contamination controversy.
Because, at the end of the day, it's still meat.
If you're only paying a quid for a whole lasagne, what do you expect it to be stuffed with – prime lumps of tenderloin?
Thinking about it objectively, there's absolutely no reason why horse meat should be any less desirable than beef or pork or chicken. At the end of the day, they're all still animals – and most of us are still committed carnivores.
The French will eat horse meat until the cows come home – and then they'll probably eat the cows, too – and they haven't imploded in a spasm of cultural self-disgust.
Just because The Lone Ranger never rode into a shoot-out shouting Hi Ho Ermintrude! doesn't mean a cow is any less of an animal than a horse.
The fact we give horses names and try to humanise them with human qualities doesn't mean eating their flesh should be any more repulsive than tucking into a T-bone steak of the bovine variety.
It's the same with dogs.
Yes, we all love Lassie and I thrilled to the adventures of The Littlest Hobo as a kid, but that doesn't stop some cultures enjoying poodle and chips.
Maybe tomorrow, they'll want to settle down. Until tomorrow, they'll have Chihuahua off the bone ...
If anything, if this whole equine shambles achieves anything, I hope it's that it may stop people reaching for the bargain bucket frozen section and start thinking about what they're shovelling into their feeding holes.
Shoppers have been too lazy and complacent furlong enough.
See what I did there? Genius.
Parents who say they can't afford real ingredients to make healthy family meals are talking a load of old pony.
And, to be fair, they're probably eating it too.
Yes, I can appreciate times are tough for everyone – I'm hardly swimming in cash myself – but it isn't that hard to pull together a meal that doesn't consist of a former Epsom Derby favourite for about the same price as a packet of economy burgers and chips.
Get yourself down Trinity market. You'll be amazed how cheap the butchers and veg stalls are in there compared with your local supermarket – better quality, too.
And let's face it, preparing your own food is the only way to be sure it's not too full of salt and Shergar.