Ian Midgley: Why sheep do the Harlem Shake
There are certain things that I will never understand even if I live to be 1,000.
For instance: Why do people care what Cheryl Cole's new tattoo looks like?
How does Helen Flanagan make a living?
Why do the roadworks in Willerby seem to be taking forever?
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Who decided it would be a good idea to put tanning booths in fruit machine arcades?
And what exactly does the Large Hadron Collider actually do?
There's no point even trying to explain that last one to me.
It would be like trying to describe Boyle's First Law of Thermodynamics to a chimp with a lazy eye.
Now we can add a new question to the universe's list of unanswerables.
What the hell is the Harlem Shake and why are people doing it?
You'll have to forgive me for being behind the curve with this one.
I'm still incredulous at the last stupid dance craze to sweep the planet.
You know, the one with the middle-aged fat bloke who looks like a cross between Kim Jong-il and David Guest dancing like he's really struggling with haemorrhoids.
Gangnam Style they called it.
My six-year-old loved it, which just about says it all.
But the world of internet crazes never rests.
Psy and his painful farmers are so yesterday.
In these days of two-second attention spans and 24-hour rolling idiocy, the world's under-employed have moved on to the next bout of mouth-breathing inanity.
Today, Gangnam is as embarrassing as Chesney Hawkes doing the Tomato Ketchup Song.
Now if you're not Harlem Shaking, you're nobody.
So get in line, sheep, and start shaking your booty, because if you don't Shake you're so passé.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about then a) consider yourself lucky because you probably have a life and b) sit tight and prepare for a crash course.
The Harlem Shake is where a flash mob (that's right, flash mobs are making a comeback – and you thought they were sooo 2009) of largely unemployed people gather in some innocuous-looking place and start gyrating madly to a dreadful dance tune by New York DJ Baauer.
I say tune. To be honest, it sounds more like a ferret farting while a five-year-old drums infuriatingly on saucepans in the background, but that's what passes for music these days.
It starts surreally, with just one dancer – usually wearing some sort of horse mask – bopping along looking as embarrassed as Prince Charles when he was asked to join in with the groin-thrusting Full Monty Hot Stuff routine. Then the bass line kicks in and, suddenly, everyone's at it – dancing that is – gyrating like everyone's least favourite seedy uncle at a wedding reception.
It's demented. And everyone's doing it.
Search "Harlem Shake" on YouTube and it fires back 302,000 results. They reckon up to 2,000 Shaking videos are being updated to the site every day – ranging from fat blokes in Storm Trooper outfits to hot girls in indecently small bikinis, among the vast array of dancing weirdos in Spiderman and giant chicken costumes.
Hull hasn't been left behind either.
More than 500 people descended on Hull city centre and flooded into its shopping centres for a night-time Harlem Shake last month. Some 28,000 people have since viewed the resulting video on our website. It's utter madness.
Last week, Egyptian democracy protesters performed the Harlem Shake outside the headquarters of the Muslim Brotherhood in Cairo, while this week, 15 gold miners in Australia were sacked after filming themselves doing the dance craze underground.
Good. Serves them right.
A gold mine full of heavy machinery is no place to be shaking your booty with absolutely no regard for health and safety regulations.
With all this Harlem Shaking going on it's hardly surprising the economy's going down the pan. Don't any of these people have jobs to go to?
And there's nothing more depressing than watching a bunch of copy cats acting like idiots for the sake of being cool.
The real art of being cool, I always thought was to be original, to do your own thing and not care what anyone else thinks – not to bleat along with the rest of the flock to the sound of a farting ferret.