“Laughed at that one and thought how funny it would have been at the time. This one isn't so much funny as endearing. My little girl used to say (when she was about five) "I haven't got a bad bone in my tummy have i daddy?". Meaning 'body'. It was one of those beautiful moments.”

“These aren't especially funny - well they aren't funny at all - but so many people spell lose (as in misplace) as loose (not tight) and I have noticed a lot of people write 'discusting' instead of - well you know the correct spelling.

But what a strange language we have. Yet so many foreigners manage to learn it.

Just one simple example, if it's 'men' why isn't it 'meny' rather than 'many'?

The worst error though is the apostrophe. So many people who should know better (such as journalist's) don't. And yes that was a deliberate apostrophe error.”

“Words leave my brain alright but come out of my mouth quite differently. One time I remember is when M.I.5 came out as M.F.I.

My mother in law is lovely but comes out with some really funny things. She was once going in raptures over some new furniture another family member had bought.
" Ooh it`s lovely, is it faux leather?"

I didn`t have the heart to tell her that faux was french for fake.”

“My uncle used to love going to a pub on the way to York on a Sunday. He'd say "Come on Gary, we're going to Pluff for some dinner". The pub was actually called 'The Plough'. I've noticed that the Americans actually call it a 'plow'. When anyone questioned him he'd say "Well you don't say clow do you?" It's not 'Clow Road' is it? That manager is not called Brian Clow is he? No, it's Brian Cluff and Cluff Road. So we're going to Pluff". It tickled me at the time and I look on it fondly.

Basically he was having a chuckle at how strange the English language is.”

“Another thing that springs to mind is this gem.... a friend of mine said "They were making some lovely things on telly the other night on the Origami Channel". I said "I don't think i've ever come across the 'Origami Channel". "You might not have done," he said dryly "It's on paper view".
(Pay-per-view, as it used to be referred to, was how you obtained some of the encrypted channels.) i fell for it!”

“That isn't a spelling mistake/mispronunciation/malapropism; it's another one of your corny jokes.

I thought that you posted that you weren't going to do that anymore AND that you wouldn't be posting so much? 13 so far today alone. And it's only half past 4.”

“But did you allow yourself a little laugh first, then think "Right let me get at him"? You did? Brilliant! This was a joke told to me definitely. I'm good but i never made that up.

When I used to work in a bar in the town there was this girl who came in and said "Have you got Young Hearts Run Free by 'The Candy Station'? I chuckled and she said "Is that the wrong name?" I said "Well, actually it's a song by a lady called 'Candi Staton' but I prefer your version. She became a regular and always asked for it under the Candy Station name and i always found it quite sweet so always chuckled when she asked for it. In those days i wasn't called Mimi.”

“Mimi

"But did you allow yourself a little laugh first"

No of course not, it wasn't funny.

"then think "Right let me get at him"?

No I thought "Here we go again. He says one thing - like I'm leaving the forum and never coming back - then he comes back. Or that he's not posting as GCtheDJ and MimitheDJ until he slips up and forgets who he is logged in as'" I also thought "He is going to start littering the forums again with his stupid 'old uncle in a cardigan' type 'jokes' and self-promoting poems" and I thought "If I point out all these discrepencies he's so self-absorbed that he will take no notice, but I'm going to anyway."

And once more with feeling, no I didn't laugh.”

“Yet I laughed at your reply. Perhaps my sense of humour needs adjustments? Who knows (or cares). Perhaps we should open it to the Forum. Did anyone else thing the origami joke was a. funny or b. not funny? Hope you don't hurt anyone's feelings with your replies.....”

“Mimi

No joke is funny when you have to explain it. It is the kind of joke that my brother might have laughed at, when he was 6, but most of the posters on here are adults.

However, as for

"Did anyone else thing the origami joke was a. funny or b. not funny?"

I don't know if you have noticed but no one else is commenting on here anymore, in fact they have probably stopped reading the posts as well. Oh you have noticed because you posted that you felt bad that people were no longer posting on here because of us and you weren't going to post as much on here in the future.”

“Er, 'think' that should have been (not thing). Many posters will still be watching though. Maybe they don't like being in the middle of a battlezone. Hence my worries and fears. Let me give you a scenario..... Let's say I decided to take my little Collie for a walk round the East Park today. We casually bump into each other and say I'm not particularly aware of the situation because I'm too pre-occupied with throwing his ball. Would you,

a. Smile and say "Is that you Mr. DJ, you old ragamuffin you?"
b. Scurry off thinking "Agh, the blummin' enemy...."
c. Set the dog on me?

My point here is that you're taking our spat far too seriously. The way I see it is this.

I've said a few things on here that you weren't happy about. One of them was the dog/lift thing that I used to do in 1971. I know... it annoyed you that I still found it funny. Okay it was naughty but you'll recover from it in time. Move on though please. get over it. The other thing you remind me about is that I'm guilty of changing my mind. That's the Gemini trait you see. I've got twins living in here (points to head). Life's a party! Join in! No regrets and all that.
I'll tell you something else. Whatever you said about me (or what anyone said about me) on here I would never, ever, ever, click on the report button. Not ever.

Don't worry, i'll not be in the Park today, I'll be trying to arrange a part-exchange on my car.”

“The funniest spelling mistake has to be Wozza`s `Witch` as in Witch gas company is the cheapest.

Sorry Wozza but it still cracks me up.”

“Flossy

As in:

Answer "Is it? I've not heard of them. Have you their contact information?"

I liked hospitals closing because of cleaver people running them best! But with wozza, we are spoilt for choice.”

“Minor spelling mistakes and typo`s I can put up with, I`m hardly a perfect speller myself, but one thing I`ve noticed creeping in over the last few years is the use of `OF` instead of `HAVE`.
It really grates and is something that should be picked up on in schools at an early age.”

“You must of been referring some of the posts on ear I surpose? Hmm.”

“flossy

It is very difficult. You tell the kids something and expect them to remember it and every time they come across it again, it's as if they have never heard of it.

(You can explain what you want a younger primary class to do for 15 minutes while they sit in front of you on the carpet. Then when you send them back to their desks hands shoot up and they ask, "What are we supposed to be doing?")

Take fractions. They cover them every year from Year 1 and every year they look at them again they say "Fractions? What are fractions?"

I was talking to a year 11 lad about him not using a capital I for the word, well "I" obviously. He said "No one has ever told me that before."

I said, "What, you have never been told all the way though school that you have to use a capital for the word "I"?"

"No, never."

A few minutes later he used another lower case i and I said, "Well you can't claim never to have been told now can you?"

Teachers in secondary schools say, "I don't know what they teach them in primary school." and tutors in college say, "I don't know what they teach them in secondary school." Well I have experience in all three of them and I know that kids do get taught, but some of them just don't retain the information.”

“We had a new English teacher half-way through the term at my second year at high school (Sir Henry Cooper High). His name was Mr. Matthews. He was Liverpudlian, funny and brilliant. His self-introduction went something like this....

"Hello class, I'm the new man. I know what you're thinking, why is a guy with this ridiculous Liverpool accent trying to teach us English if he can't even speak properly? Well, let me tell you, I am English, this is the way I speak, and teach you i will, honestly! All I expect from you is a hundred percent attention and commitment. In return you'll find that I'm easy going and very approachable. I'll help in any way that I can. That is my job, I'll even let you eat in class as long as i get one of whatever you're having. I do draw the line at smoking though. Oh, and if you are eating and another teacher or the head pops in - don't drop me in it!"

He paused for a few seconds and the class looked at each other and almost whooped with joy! Every other teacher in the school seemed to be a terrible fuddy-duddy compared to this guy. He got fantastic results too. He certainly had my class' undivided attention. He was only there for a year and a half but we worshipped him.”

“g69,

They don`t use red pens to mark anymore do they?
When I was at school any mistakes were underlined and corrected in red ink. we couldn`t help but notice them and I`m sure it didn`t do us any harm.
Society seems to be obsessed with not hurting peoples feelings.”

“Dj,

I went to `Cooper`too. Actually I`d passed my 11 plus exam and went to High school but a year later the council decided that comprehensive education was the way forward and so closed my school along with dozens of others around the Beverley Road/Fountain Road area and we all moved into the brand new Sir Henry Cooper High School.
My english teacher throughout my stay there was Mrs Glover. She was ancient but lovely and so easy to set off at a tangeant. I learnt more about the bombing of Hull in WW2 from my english lessons than I ever did in history.”

“flossy

Actually some of the primary schools have an amazing range of different codes and marks which represent different errors to the students. And usually it's a green pen, rather than a red one.

With such bad behaviour in secondary schools, it is really difficult for the teachers to teach anything. You only need one kid being disruptive to stop everyone elses learning and it is really difficult to control them as there are so few things that the teachers can do about it. At the school I currently know the most about two out of control girls (year 9) were permanently excluded. One mother appealed and the governors over ruled the school and she was allowed back.

Quite a few of them walk around the school corridors (there are almost no support staff to police this) looking very pleased with themselves thinking that they have got one over on the school and teachers. They don't understand that the only people they are hurting are themselves.

Then of course they text and forget how to use standard English.

On a slightly different note, I think that some of the secondary curriculum - especially in English - is crazy. The AQA English Language paper also covers poetry, Shakespeare and a particular novel which I think should be in the Literacy one (it's in there as well). I was speaking to one of the students on a bus into town after he left school. His handwriting was beautiful, he had good grammar and punctuation skills and he could spell but he's truanted from a lot of the classes because he wasn't interested in Shapespeare, Of Mice and Men and Carol Anne Duffy. Consequently he failed his English Language GCSE yet he had all the English skills an employer would be looking for.

Ironically, The Welsh Board have a much more realistic English Language curriculum.”

“If you got the legend 'see me' in your book you'd feel sick and your heart would miss a beat (well mine did). Happened only twice but two times too much to bear!

Shaw Park had a 'fire and brimstone' type English teacher called Mrs. Sarel. She was strict and past retirement age but she was incredible. She encouraged my poetry though so I'll blame her, when I get the urge. I would hang on to her every word.”

“My favourite one is Bright Yellow 1 metre long and painted on Southwold Road in London E5... 'BU8 STOP'”

“Probably anyone in an office environment knows that the qwerty keyboard leaves you open to ending a message with 'Mind Retards' if you're not careful.

Or just a plain 'Retards' if you're in a bad mood.”

“It is a well known fact, that an Octopus (unlike a Mouse) has eight testicles.”

“i thought it had eight tenta.... ah!”

“Bet some wit on these pages could have some fun with office and orifice. No, it's too early.”

“Jokes aren't jokes if they need explanation.

A_M's didn't.”

“Ah, but you speak only from your point of view. If anyone were kind enought to say that they hadn't got it originally you may well have some egg on your face gw, with all respect ;[D”

“If someone doesn't get a "joke" the first time round, it isn't funny. And the very fact that you feel the need to explain them, shows that you're not particularly confident that they are either.”

“Could forum users please comment on the missing man story to keep this at the top!
Many thanks”

“ghostwriter, I feel that you are now trying to get inside my mind. You are at best reading mine wrongly and i will resist your entry attempt because you started worrying me when you started talking about whether I'd be interested in your baby stew. These are not the thinkings of a radical sort usually, although I try to give my benefit of the doubt to you. With all respect.

Hey, let's not argue eh? You were doing so well.”

“"you are now trying to get inside my mind"

Well there's room enough isn't there? And you don't use it much.


"You were doing so well."

Ooops. Didn't mean to. Honest!”

“Mimi

A poster wrote ""Booze, sarcasm and abuse." And you replied "Ha! These are the reasons for a forum!" on Sunday, September 30 2012, 4:42PM

Changed your mind now have we? So when it's aimed at other people it's the reason for a forum and when it's aimed at you, it's bullying.

lol.”

“Er, booze tick, sarcasm tick, who do i abuse? Er... retaliatory can't count can it?”

“I don't know. The conversation was between you and another poster. You were agreeing that sarcasm and abuse were the reasons for a forum, not me. If you don't know what you are talking about - how am I supposed to?”

“Erm, no-one was the correct answer to my poser "who do i abuse?"
Hope that helps.”

“No it doesn't, but haven't we been here before? Aren't you making this forum tedious to the rest of the posters? Bet you get the last word in.”

“Bet you're right.”