“Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"”

“It was 4 lines before I pressed 'submit'!!!”

“That dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa. Or have we had that one?

Ok, "The Tampax machine is covered in tinsel, just for the christmas period". My favourite Xmas one-liner at the White Horse, circa 1990.”

“That one about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa. Have we had that?

"The Tampax machine is now decorated in tinsel, just for the Christmas period" one of my one-liners at The White Horse, circa 1990.”

“Flippin' site! That joke of the gw's was voted funniest joke in the world by the way.”

“A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."”

“Why do farts smell? So as deaf people can enjoy 'em too.

Hearse going up a hill, doesn't make it and starts rollling back down and the back door flies open, the coffin falls out, the lid opens and the body runs into a chemist and says "Got anything to stop me coffin?"

All the rest are a bit er, after 10 o'clock.”

“Yes - I only laugh at the funniest which explains my reaction to yours.

The next one was the third funniest. I didn't put the second funniest on because it's longer than 4 lines.”

“Grouch Marx jokes are brilliant too.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn't it.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. One day I intend to read it.

I'm going to live forever or die trying

Too many to post here but you could google him”

“GW, that was a bit uncalled for wasn't it? I gave you a compliment, you insulted me. Why was that? Probably more chance of bt telling me my weakness huh?

The wife has asked me to get her something silk for Chrimbo. No doubt this tin of Crown Emulsion will be the wrong flippin' colour.

She lost a tooth eating nuts last night, told her to stop crunching 'em whilst Match Of The Day was on.

I asked the boss "Where do you want this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?" He told me to pop it in the corner. Took me four hours.

I said to the Doctor "I don't know how to tell you this".
He said "It doesn't matter how you say it, just tell me".
I said "Any chance of a bit of mouth-wash, I can smell curry on your breath".”

“My neighbour phoned me at work and said that my wife had hanged herself on the washing line in my garden. Through the tears I managed to say " If it rains, will you bring her in?"”

“An old guy goes into his friend's back garden, "Let yourself in the kitchen, Betty'll do you a Brew, I'll be in there when I've done a bit of weeding". His friend does so and finds the old guy's missus dead in the kitchen. He turns and says "Jack, your Betty's laid dead in here cooking the dinner. What will you do?" "I'll open a can of beans" says Jack, thoughtfully.

Ha ha steve-e-oh, I thought that was the one you were telling for a sec.”

“Spent an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

I was just about to "peak" in bed when my wife burst in and said " How can you do this with my younger sister?"
"It's not what it looks like" I replied
" Well ,what is it then" she said
" It's actually your mother dressed in her uniform"”

“Mimi

What was uncalled for? Did you think - as you are the centre of the world - that the Groucho Marx jokes were aimed at you?”

“No, I actually meant that line about you don't laugh at mine. Thing is, you do laugh but you would never admit it. But do I care? Yes. But I still compliment you see. Because good manners cost nothing. ;) This reminds me of my uncle saying "He's a good looking prat but I'd never tell him" about his son at his son's wedding.

steveo that was a super duper smasher. in fact they both were.

I was in this bar the other night and the barman says "Your glass is empty, having another?"
I said "Why the hell would I want another empty glass?"

And here's a little experiment for all Forum males to see if women really are the weaker sex. Pull the blankets over to your side later on........”

“Today my wife said she had a head cold. I said "It's probably caused by you being such a fat sod". "How can being fat cause a cold?" she asked. "Cos your head's never out of the bloody fridge".

My wife came home drunk the other day, as she was getting undressed she fell over and passed out. There she was, legs akimbo, no underwear and half undressed. I thought to myself " No way am I going to miss an opportunity like this !!!"
So I got changed and went out with the lads.”

“Yeah!

On a CV:
Number of children......... 6
Ages........ 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8
Husband's occupation........ precision grinder

From my daughter "What do you call a deaf lion? Anything you like!"

I got stopped by the cops speeding. The cop said "Papers"
i said "Scissors" and drove off. He was after a re-match though 'cos he chased me for ages till I lost him!”

“Sorry ghostwriter69. I didn't realise that you had indeed complimented me too. Thank you. It looks like we'll be all mates till xmas eh?”

“My doctor said "Your belly is getting bigger, I think you have an over-active.."
"Thyroid?" I chipped in,
"No, KNIFE AND FORK" he quipped. Ha.”

“Just been doing my Fire and Safety At Work.

Question 1: in the event of a fire what steps would you take.
I answered 'Big ones'.

Got stopped speeding.....
Copper: "Papers?"
Mimi: "Scissors" and promptly floored it. He's after a re-match though, he's giving chase!”

“The other morning my girlfriend texted me,
"Windows frozen"
I replied "pour warm water on screen"
Few minutes passed and then she texted "laptop completely kn@ckered now"”

“A couple of dwarves who were man and wife circus performers were expecting their first baby together. When they went to their first scan together, the midwife asked them if they were looking forwards to having a boy or a girl. "We aren't bothered" they replied "just as long as it fits in a cannon".

IT'S A BOY, A BOY. OH MY GOD, IT'S REALLY A BOY!!! I shouted.
I'll never visit a Thai brothel again”

“I quite enjoyed my recent one about clowns but someone didn't. I daren't post it again!”

“Sorry about the scissors and paper joke. I can't remember posting it twice, honestly my dementia. Now then.....

"Doctor, my family think I'm mad 'cos i love pancakes."
"That's ridiculous, I quite like pancakes myself."
"You must come and see my collection. I've got suitcases full of them!"”

“"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."”

“Man goes to the cinema, sitting there enjoying the film when he notices the seat next to him is occupied by a goat.
'What are you doing here ?,' he asked
'Well,' said the goat 'I liked the book'.”

“...or 'Corin' as he prefers to be known as!!! Sorry!”

“Goat goes to the employment exchange looking for a job

Bloke behind the desk says ' Have you considered the circus ?'

Goat says 'What would the circus want with a bricklayer ?”

“I was upset to hear my boyfriend telling his mates I was stalking him. Well, he's not actually my boyfriend yet ...”

“According to statistics, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy”

“Ha. funny lass!”

“I saw my mate Colin the other day,the poor bloke has only got one arm. Anyway, I shouted to him "Where are you going Col?" he replied "I'm off to change a light bulb", "That'll be a bit awkward won't it" I laughed " Not really, you spiteful b*****d" he replied "I've still got the receipt".

Woke up at 6 this morning with the hangover from hell. All I could hear was the bloody neighbour mowing his lawn. I thought " I'm going to get up in a minute and smack him one". Then I thought " No, sod it, he'll just have to mow around me".”

“This poor old lady fell over on the ice yesterday. Well I presume she was poor, she only had £2.50 in her purse”

“Ha! Christmas, the only time when the mother-in-law visits. i know she's somewhere close when the mice start throwing themselves on the traps!”

“Give us some more of them goat jokes John. They are fine goat jokes. No disrespect to goats but they are a bit dim. The stuff they'll eat! Mind you, here's my fave joke about a goat who was not in the least bit silly..... Elmer lost his bible whilst out in the field. A few days later a goat came up to him with the good book in its mouth and dropped it (still perfect) in his lap. "It's a miracle!" Exclaimed our hero. The goat said "Not really, your name's inside the front cover".

What do the pope and a Christmas tree have in common?
Their baubles are just for decoration.”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

She said "my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein."

I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments.

Imagine how deep the sea would be if there weren't any sponges.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.”

“For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]”

“Jeb stepped outside to see the aftermath of the worst blizzard ever--six feet of snow! He saw puffs of smoke in the distance, growing closer. Finally, a grizzled little old man came by, shoveling snow for all he was worth and puffing on a pipe. "What a disaster!" Jeb said. "I'll say!" said the old man. "We done run clean out of nutmeg!"”

“Ha. I know one very similar. A guy is sat at the bar in a pub and another guy comes in, orders a lager, walks up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other side and sits down with his pint. The guy at the bas says to the barman, "That was strange" the barman says "Yeah, it was, he usually drinks Guinness".”

“Dear HDM, (Santa),
I am writing to ask if i could have something from one of the above threads printed and framed for Christmas and delivered to my home at ** ************, ****** ****, ****, *** ***.
Namely the post above which categorically proves that the gw is my greatest fan. I hate to do all this copy and pasting 'cos it's so darned impersonal but on this occasion I'm sure it'll be well received. My heart is beating out of my chest with pride. Here goes.......

by ghostwriter69Sunday, December 16 2012, 8:35PM
"Mimi

Blah blah blah......... as you are the centre of the world - blah blah blah.........."

This is of course because i told her that I loved her. We all do.

This is what I love about Christmas. Brings out the love in people. Centre of the world. I've had compliments from many people but this is up there with the best ones. Thank you gw (you've always been my favourite).

And a complete stranger winked at me today too and she was a beauty......... hang on......you know what I look like.... ?!?!”

“Started early tonight...”

“OY! What happened to my address?”

“What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?

An egg!”

“I went to the annual bulimics disco last night guess what the place was heaving”

“Hahaha yeah. What's white and goes up? A confused snowflake!”