Ihoped this day would never come. It is with a heavy heart but with a strident sense of civic duty – both to myself and my beloved readers – that I feel I must bow to the public outcry and throw my hat into the ring to become Humberside Police's first commissioner.

Like the once and future King Arthur, rising from the Isle of Avalon when Albion needs him once more, I hoped the day would never come when the country needed my services – but alas here we are.

I think it was Shakespeare's Henry V who put it best when, outnumbered, outflanked and facing certain defeat before the famed battle of Agincourt, said: "When the blast of war blows in our ears,

"Then imitate the action of the tiger;

"Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood ...

"Follow your spirit, and upon this charge, cry God for Harry, England, and Saint George!"

And, to put it bluntly, everyone else is in the running so why can't I?

I could do with the £75k a year to pay off my credit cards.

To be honest, I've no idea why we need a police commissioner – especially one who's going to be riding the public sector gravy train at three times the national average wage. The current system seems to be working under chief Tim Hollis without another tier of bosses.

I know a few coppers (the proper ones – not their C-3PO counterparts) and they seem to be doing a sterling job despite the thin blue line getting stretched thinner than a gastric band on a cake-loving couch potato.

But if there has got to be one, then why not me? I think you'll find I have all he right credentials.

With my encyclopaedic knowledge of TV detective serials of the past 30 years, from The Sweeney to Starsky And Hutch, I'm pretty much primed for any potential situation.

Should there be a domestic down at the Jasmine Allen estate, I'll send in Reg Hollis and DC Viv Martella.

Luckily, Rob Hudson, who used to play PC Yorkie Smith on The Bill, is starring in John Godber's Weekend Breaks down at Hull Truck next month, so he'll be available if we need back-up.

Should a cold case need reopening, I'll give Trevor Eve a call.

Plus, I've seen Midsomer Murders loads of times, so we'd be covered if anything happened out in one of the pretty East Riding villages.

It's easy, just pick out the most unlikely murderer – Richard Briers – and arrest him immediately.

Plus, perhaps most importantly, I'm not 74, like Hull's boy wonder, John Prescott.

Let's face it, I'm as qualified as most of the runners and riders.

That's all very well and good Ian, I hear you cry.

We're convinced by your insights into the workings of fictional TV detectives – but what are your policies on reducing crime and the causes of crime once you're in?

Good question. Well done you.

As Humberside Police's first commissioner, I'd go right back to source material and base my policies on the greatest of all police commissioners – Commissioner Gordon from Batman; not the gritty, soul searching Gary Oldman Gordon of the recent Dark Knight movies, but the day-glow commissioner from the camp 1960s TV series.

The only crime they had back then was when The Joker tried to hijack Gotham's innuendo supplies.

Installed in City Hall, I'd recruit a preposterously Lycra-clad pair of vigilantes to sort out the local ne'er do wells with some well placed "Biffs", "Zonks" and "Kapows".

I'd have a big red Batphone wired in on my desk.

The vigilantes' identities would remain secret, of course, but I'm already accepting applications from local millionaires with big houses – Ehab Allam and Simon Cunliffe-Lister from Burton Agnes Hall, I'm looking at you.

OK, so maybe I haven't thought this through properly.

But wouldn't it be fun to add a bit of spice to the proceedings by declaring as a candidate?

Let's face it, I'd be much more fun than most of the other candidates.